Category: Emotional Abuse

Again. When will I learn?

When I lay down, the whole situation fans out in chronological order. It makes sense. It’s clear and concise. But when I get up and open this program, my brain skitters like a puppy on linoleum.

honest to god, I’m an idiot.

TL;DR. BIL has conned me again that husband is dying, when he’s not.

This post is mainly about my brother in law, and lightly touches on my partner, who is not dying and probably coming home next week some time.

He was the one telling me all of my partner’s organs were shutting down (see previous post). it was a couple of days later I called the nurses’ station. I hadn’t before because they’d taken me off next of kin previously. but they didn’t this time. The nurse said he was non verbal, but aware of his surroundings. for some stupid reason, I believed BIL.

anyway, when I asked the kids (bil’s kids) how my husband was doing, they repeated BIL stance.

but really, it was a lie. a deliberate, nasty toxic lie. Its only purpose to hurt me, because I didn’t leave the house, I didn’t visit him on his ‘death bed’. When Bil told me these lies, I didn’t go into snot nose, ugly crying, sack cloth and grief screams.

It’s just evil. mean, because I can’t fight back. he backstabs and sneers, and whispers like a snake into husband’s ear ‘she’s smoking!’ and husband treats this like it’s a new thing. husband believes nothing I say about bil, it is pointless even trying. and to top it off, I don’t backstab. I do not say nasty things about people. i would say the truth but that’s pointless as it’s not believed.

So husband called me last night and said he’s probably coming home after the weekend. totally screwed up bil line about dying any time now.

i have a hard time understanding how bil thinks. just the evil coming off him. and my husband looks up to him like he’s a saint.

well, one or two more days/weeks and they’re gone. 6 months later his effect will wear off enough for me to talk to husband without him just parroting whatever that evil, toxic little man did to his brain.

edit; I forgot to mention me, how I’m reacting. The last 3 weeks, my lungs are ‘normal’. I’ve been breathing like a normal person. no stress, no whease, no cough. it was flipping amazing. Even when talking to my ‘dying’ partner didn’t change my breathing. then, through comments partner made, I realized bil was lying to me, backstabbing me, just generally having a good time poisoning my partner against me. once I realized that, my lungs started seizing up. I am constantly doing chest relaxation breathing techniques. the knowledge of what that ass wipe is doing and harmed my health. I have also come to the realization I really, really dislike that man.

The Lies are Fresh

Partner goes in waves, like a sine curve, in nasty or nice behavior. The nice behavior is to sooth me, set me up for the wham that comes ‘unexpectedly’. It’s always so much sweeter for him to see me crushed unexpectedly. I don’t think it’s occurred to him yet that it is never unexpected.

I was recently reevaluated for my disability payments. It was almost two years in the making (due to covid) and I was given the higher payment. So almost two years of back payment as well as a substantial monthly increase. I did make the mistake of telling him I was getting back payment, but I did manage not to tell him how much. His disability payment went down. No idea why, as his disability isn’t growing back. But I think his payment going down and mine going up, wound him up.

A few times a year we give to charity. It is usually 1-3% of our net worth. It’s not a huge amount, we’re not rich, but it makes us feel we’re helping. He comes in this time, looks me in the eye, and says ‘You need to give 40%, like normal’. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t let my face say anything. I didn’t call him out. How in hell did he think I would buy this? 40% would be everything disability gave me and a good chunk more.

The last couple of days, his response to anything I say, ask or suggest is ‘no’, without pause or thought. “can we -” “no.” “we need to -” “no.” Emphatically, coldly. It makes no difference what I’m going or trying to say, just the fact I’m saying it, it’s ‘no’.

Sometimes, this is when I’ve cooked something and offer him some. “no, —” insert some reason he thinks of quickly. ‘I just ate’, ‘I have to eat xyz’, ‘I’m good’, whatever. Until one day I mention he’s not eaten anything I made in 3 years. (factual) He was horrified. Not because he doesn’t eat anything I cook, but I think because I’d called him out on it.

The next day he comes up to me with some bread-like thing swimming in grease, and offers me some. I look at it and try not to gag. I say ‘no, thanks’. He says ‘you haven’t eaten anything I made in 3 years.’ My brain just froze. I should have laughed, because in the previous week, I’d eaten two dinner he made (spaghetti). Instead I just said ‘fuck you’.

There was another lie just recently. Oh, something about my computer. Once he’d finished telling me it wasn’t possible, and walked away, I did a google search to find not only was it possible, it was default included in my computers basic set up. Now, he could have just not known about this (even though he’s the one that bought my computer) but as it’s so close to the ‘no’ phase, I’m more inclined to believe it was just part of that.

I continue to wonder if he has a key logger on my computer. Found a dongle, once, that he was monitoring my computer with. I should have crushed it before returning it to him.

Emotional Abuse?

Bit of a back story. I was in hospital August 22 and January 23. Alternatively, my partner was in the hospital when I was home. So at any given point from August 22 to now, only one of us is home at any given time.

During my stays in hospital, he visited 2, maybe 3 times, but only when he had another reason to be there, say a medical test that needed to be done. I never visit him when he is in because I can’t leave the house. He is aware of this. He always has one or more brothers who stay with him. He is not alone, at all.

When I was home, I was alone. Previous posts document some of the stuff.

He is currently in the hospital due to kidney problems. Because he is in the hospital, his home help has been canceled. So, since he’s been in hospital, no cleaning has been done in the house. Yes, there is a brother here, but it’s not his job to clean (or take care of me) he’s here for my partner. I am literally sitting in trash, because I can’t take it out, the brother won’t and I have no other help at all.

I asked my partner to hire one of his ‘friends’ or one of the guys who used to help clean the house. He refused. He told me to call them, because it was ‘awkward’ for him to be the middle man. But it was okay for me to try to hire someone I wouldn’t recognize on the street. I begged him to call the guy. He still refused.

I got mad. On my last attempt to get help, he called, and I just said ‘I’m busy’ and hung up. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Since then, I have tried 4 times to open communications. He has not responded to any of it. I even said ‘I’m sorry’ but that didn’t get a response, either. Just silence. That I believe is emotional abuse. So what do I do? Call the police, who go down to the hospital and they do what?

I’ve had a nurse come over every day to change my surgery’s wound with new packing. This alone is really stressful for me. Living in a filthy house is stressful. I am buying new clothes because I literally have nothing clean.

I just want to give up, it would be so much easier to give up. But something in me just keeps trying.

edit: a few minutes ago, he calls, and says ‘you’re not answering the phone’. I say ‘i don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize’. He says; he’s trying to call, answer it. and hung up. A couple of minutes later, guy calls. we make arrangements for a weekly visit for a reasonable cost. Thank goodness, i can now sleep in a room that isn’t overflowing in trash and doesn’t have a dirty floor. This alone will really help my health.

edit 2; just before the new cleaner showed up, I begged my BIL to help with the trash, which he did. The floor was still littered with detritus, but at least the bags were out. I am so thankful, he didn’t need to do this, but did. I can feel my lungs unknitting. It’ll be a while, maybe an hour, before they truly become relaxed, but it’s a great start.

Meltdown

I was in the hospital for about 10 days, had a small surgery, a massive infection, and home with an open wound. Of course, I have no help coping.

Once I got home, partner came down sick. He went by ambulance yesterday to A&E. He has not turned on his phone, so I can’t reach him.

Last time my partner was sick in hospital, his brother persuaded him to remove me from hospital contacts. If I call the hospital about him, they give no information. Not even if he is in hospital.

I know he went to the hospital. Other than that, I am in a news blackout. Even if I left the house and go there physically, 1) I can’t prove I’m his wife and 2) I am not on his approved list, so they can’t tell me anything, anyway.

A niece did message asking what was happening, none of his family could reach him. I explained my limitations. I am taking bets someone shows up to take care of things. I can only hope it’s 1 or 2 people, and not more – and very most specifically NOT BIL#1.

His taking me off his approved contact list was an unnecessary cruelty.

Invisable, again

Partner had been getting better in my treatment, as his brother’s influence started to fade. But today, sigh, it was a one, two, three punch in the space of an hour that has me tearing up.

Some repairmen comes in the house. Lots of banging. I had no idea someone was coming in – I wasn’t dressed to talk to him. So once he leaves, I go into the living room where partner is (and two other family members who stopped by to help with odds and ends). I ask what the guy is repairing, to find out it was the shower. The shower has been broken at least 5 years. It’s been ‘repaired’ 4 times and it never worked. We have a disability shower, dip in the floor, water gets sucked up and deposited in the system. I don’t take showers because anything more than 3 minutes of running water, floods the bathroom. I use the sink. I have asked many times for the shower to be repaired to be ignored. They didn’t bother to inform me it was getting repaired today. You don’t inform or ask for input of someone who is a ghost. Invisible.

A few minutes later, another bang at the door. I’m dressed now, and see the guy heading into the kitchen. I ask my partner, what else is getting fixed? He says, oh, that’s the grocery. I blink a couple of times and say: why didn’t you ask me if I wanted anything? He’s innocently looking at me: oh, I didn’t? I meant to. A couple of times. He thinks a second, there was nothing on the refrigerator list!

I don’t go in there as much as I can. We have a young couple living in the living room. I try to give them as much privacy as I can. There’s nothing new on the list because I don’t go in there. He honestly just should have asked. Just a courtesy. Invisible, disposable.

Then, just a couple of literal minutes after the groceries are delivered, the girl that’s helping us comes in the door. With a bag of groceries. She, too, didn’t ask me if I wanted anything. (she may not have been asked if she wanted anything, either, requiring a trip to the store.) But the young in the family learn quickly how I am treated. They see how my partner treats me and echoes it.

Her coming in with that bag brought me to tears.

I am ducking tired of being invisible.

Nice is off the table.

Today, I asked my partner to put me on the lease. He refused, angrily. He said, I’ve not brought it up, but I will now. While I was in hospital this home was a hell hole. His brother told him all about it.

I told him, the reason I’ve not brought it up is because he loves his brother and anything I said wouldn’t be believed. This hell hole was much deeper than he knew. He started to tell me what his brother had told him, but I stopped him. I don’t care what the jack ass said. I know how that family works. They tell the truth but with a tiny twist. Giving it a full on different meaning.

fuck that shit. It truly doesn’t matter.

He was totally happy with me being homeless if – when – he died. Giving me the ol’ reem post posthumously.

Looking at options now.

The idiot doesn’t realize I know where the ‘bodies’ are buried at. And I got receipts. And I got no reason to be nice.

No Defence

In the way back machine, my MIL used to live with us. She was abusive and my partner took his cue from her. That was the start of it. She slammed my hand in drawers, closed doors in my face, and slugged me in the face if I answered the phone. She told me I was a waste of water. She went out of her way to frighten my cat. I would tell my partner what she’d done and he flat out refused to believe it. He called me a liar (you’re lying). He supported her in everything. She was a saint and I was evil to say such ugly things.

Now, his brother is here. He also takes his mother’s cue. He is saying nasty little things. Things that make my partner feel like he’s being taken advantage of. Partner calls his brother a ‘father figure’. His brother is a saint, and can do nothing wrong.

Now, I mean this following statement literally. My BIL could kill me, in front of my partner, and my partner would be totally okay with it.

I can’t fight back. There’s nothing to hit. There is no physical abuse – at least, he doesn’t hit me. It’s purely emotional. It’s financial. It’s manipulative. If I try to defend myself to my partner, he would call me a liar or just shrug. His brother is a saint and can do no wrong.

I don’t know how I could leave. My state supplied income is minuscule and I don’t believe it’s enough to live on. I have no place to go – although that’s the one thing I think I could get, via a women’s shelter thing. I don’t want to leave all my stuff – my computer, my clothes, my art supplies. But I have no idea how I could leave and still be able to keep it. I would never have enough money to replace it.

It’s bleak.

Looking at Options

BIL: I understand you’ve stopped smoking.

Me: I’m down to 5 cigare–

BIL: No. You must stop cold turkey. Otherwise, you’re not actually stopping. I’m just giving you a goal, you understand. Something to strive for.

Me: (unvoiced) I’ve seen this before. If I achieved his goal, he would just move the goalpost. He would never be happy or satisfied, no matter what I did. Been there, done that, got the scars.

three days later…

Partner: you’re still smoking.

Me: confused. I’m down to 5 a day. From 30 a day. You knew this.

Partner: No, you shouldn’t be smoking at all.

Me: You’ve been talking to your brother. Because up until now, you were happy with my decrease.

Partner: It’s expensive – and the common account. I’m the only one putting into it.

Me: Yessss? It pays for utilities, food, and medical needs. We agreed to this decades ago. Before I had any income at all.

Partner: You should be putting in as much as I do.

Me: How much are you putting in?

Partner: 350.

Me: So, you want me to put in my entire monthly income?

Partner: What? You get aid.

Me: Yes. It’s 354 a month. So, you are putting in 1/3rd your monthly income and you want me to put in 100% of my income and that’s fair and equal?

Partner: oh.

Me: yeah, oh. Maybe your brother wasn’t aware of this. Because you were.

Partner: cigarettes are expensive.

Me: And I’ve been paying for them. I’ve not taken a penny from the common account. Since you’ve been sick, I’ve paid for everything.

His brother has been ‘helping’ my partner in how to run his household. And his conniving, mooching, hoe of a wife.

My partner was sick. Very sick. Deaths door, sick. Family came to help while he was in hospital. My partner needed this help. And for that, I’m glad. But one day, I got sick. I couldn’t breath. I asked for help. My BIL concluded I was just looking for attention. Trying to take attention away from the one who was actually sick.

From that day forward, I was invisible. I spoke, he didn’t hear me. Closed doors in my face. Never offered water, food, or attention. He literally ate in front of me and never offered to share. I could barely get out of bed. ‘food’ was a bag of chips. He has done what he can to destroy our marriage. Which, honest to god, is a joke. My husband has already tried to kill me 8 times – that I know of. But now?

I’m sick of it. I could handle partners abuse, it was just daily life. It wasn’t fun, sometimes I got very angry. But his meddling has made me depressed. I don’t want to do anything I used to enjoy. I don’t want to live. Death is an option.

But so is leaving. I could just walk out. I would lose everything I have. Clothing. Art supplies. My computer.

There are options.

Catch up

I keep thinking, Oh, I’ll remember that! I’ll post in a couple of days.

Of course, I don’t remember.

I was in the hospital in august. Got out the 10th. I was triggered by the filthy house. Couldn’t breathe. They kept sending me home, and I’d be back in a couple of hours. The hospital system is so overwhelmed they do everything to keep from admitting people. When I was admitted, and then released days later, I was feeling pretty good.

The partner had to clean the house. Like, really clean it. Within a couple of days, he was sick. I was expecting this. He is the only person allowed to be sick in this household. If I’m sick, he’s sick in a couple of days, and it’s worse.

He went to bed. Whined continuously. Took little baby steps to get to the bathroom. Really milked it. I helped him, made sure he had food and water (something he doesn’t do for me) made sure he took his meds, etc. But honestly, I thought he was faking. Then he developed a fever. He wasn’t faking.

I kept trying to get him to call for an ambulance. He kept refusing. Until he couldn’t move, at all. Couldn’t get out of bed for the toilet and you can guess where that went. He didn’t tell me, but I found out when taking his temperature, he’d spiked up to 104f/40c. If I’d known, I would have called for an ambulance if he liked it or not. Finally, he admitted defeat and called for an ambulance. His fever was no longer too high, it was only 102f/38.8c. The ambulance service told him it wasn’t life-threatening and refused to pick him up.

So we called a secondary service – for non-life-threatening medical issues. They took him to the hospital for …what was the term? Public service or some such. Word got out quick and his family started showing up to take care of him. Which was good, he literally couldn’t raise his hand to drink and the nursing staff was so short staffed, they couldn’t care for him.

In short order, the oldest brother showed up. After a couple of days, he comes home from the hospital and says: he’s had a stroke and multiple organ failure. He has hours to days to live.

This was a lie.

It was gaslighting.

A couple of days later when I enquired about his organ failure, he says, quote. Orgain failure? He’s never had organ failure. I asked about his stroke, and my BIL waves his hand, It might have been a stroke, but MRI is indeterminate.

He gas lit me. For funzies. See, I can’t leave the house. I equate leaving the house with death. So I weigh each thing – is it worth dying for? Well, when I thought my partner was on his death bed, I said yes, it’s worth going out for. BIL says, but I thought you couldn’t leave the house? (but his tone was AHHA! I knew you could, you’re just faking it. Wanting attention.)

Ever since then, he has literally ignored me. He does not respond when I make a comment. He looks either through me or not at me at all. I’m not invisible. I do not exist.

There are many things I can bring up about my BIL, and I will. I don’t know all the ends and outs of what abusive behavior is, but I figure one or two things he’s doing would qualify.

I will be going into that in the next post. Hopefully soon. I have no one to talk to, so this is it. No one to talk to here, either, but better than just sobbing all day. I’m tired of crying.