Category: Current

Abuse

I am in a bad medical condition. I can’t breathe. I have copd and right now, there is a strong flair up. My blood ox is bouncing between 89 and 95. This isn’t good.

I did manage to convince my partner to come home yesterday to help me. He has taken good care of me all day today. I’m quite surprised, honestly. He has offered tea, food, and care without asking and without my asking him for help. This is way out of his normal.

However, this evening, he want’s to leave the house for 4 hours. I begged him not to go. He doesn’t realize, just being here helps me. I don’t have to worry about answering the door or phone, or getting water or getting me medical attention. I need him here. But I guess he’s done his bit for the day.

But by leaving me alone, knowing I am in a medical emergency, I think of as abuse. Just because he did well all day, doesn’t mean the job is done. He doesn’t absolutely need to leave and anyone who knows what’s going on wouldn’t think less of him (probably more).

I just wish I could breathe.

Flasher, Exhibitionist,

It’s been many years since he’s done this. Flashing ‘accidentally’. Nothing accidental about it at all. When in hospital, wearing one of those gowns. Uncle and Aunt come to visit. He spreads his legs as far as possible, making sure the gown hikes up so aunt gets a prime view. And she did, there was no way to avoid it. He’s done this a couple of times. One time when in A&E, he wanted me to give him a BJ. A&E was crowded and the only thing separating us from others was a modesty curtain. There are some people who have this kind of life style, I find it repugnant.

He’s also stood in front of a glass door, sunlight streaming in, and spread his legs. He was wearing something so thin, he didn’t need to be back lite to outline his penis. We had visitors, mainly women, and it was his mother who told him what was happening. It was a total surprise to him (not).

I bring up these old subjects because I’ve recently become aware of this behavior resurfacing. Only a bit different. More exhibitionist than a flasher. Or maybe it’s a different word.

Our bathroom is currently being worked on and the window curtain is off. The glass is wavy but not totally opaque. The walls are white tile and the light is so bright, it hurts my eyes. The toilet is right next to the window.

I don’t know what the actual wattage is but it is a spotlight in function. Every day, night or day, he turns that light on when he uses the toilet. At night, with that light, he is on full display to anyone walking by the house. He might as well be taking a dump on the sidewalk outside. Or peeing – kind of a modified dic pick. This kind of exhibitionist behavior creeps me out.

I don’t understand it. A quick google search told me this, which actually makes sense and helps me understand.

What causes a person to be an exhibitionist?

What Causes Exhibitionist Behavior? Some of the risk factors for developing exhibitionistic disorder include past sexual abuse, antisocial personality disorder, alcohol or substance use, and interest in pedophilia. The prevalence rate for exhibitionistic disorder is unknown but occurs almost exclusively in males.15 Dec 2022

He’s told me he was sexually abused as a kid but I’m doubtful. Okay, he sometimes tells the truth, but more likely, he just wanted sympathy. Antisocial personality disorder, is a good call. Not alcohol or drugs. And I doubt he has a pedophile problem, but he’s outside my view enough, I may not see it.

At least it gives me an idea of why he does it. It turns him on.

The Lies are Fresh

Partner goes in waves, like a sine curve, in nasty or nice behavior. The nice behavior is to sooth me, set me up for the wham that comes ‘unexpectedly’. It’s always so much sweeter for him to see me crushed unexpectedly. I don’t think it’s occurred to him yet that it is never unexpected.

I was recently reevaluated for my disability payments. It was almost two years in the making (due to covid) and I was given the higher payment. So almost two years of back payment as well as a substantial monthly increase. I did make the mistake of telling him I was getting back payment, but I did manage not to tell him how much. His disability payment went down. No idea why, as his disability isn’t growing back. But I think his payment going down and mine going up, wound him up.

A few times a year we give to charity. It is usually 1-3% of our net worth. It’s not a huge amount, we’re not rich, but it makes us feel we’re helping. He comes in this time, looks me in the eye, and says ‘You need to give 40%, like normal’. I didn’t say anything. I didn’t let my face say anything. I didn’t call him out. How in hell did he think I would buy this? 40% would be everything disability gave me and a good chunk more.

The last couple of days, his response to anything I say, ask or suggest is ‘no’, without pause or thought. “can we -” “no.” “we need to -” “no.” Emphatically, coldly. It makes no difference what I’m going or trying to say, just the fact I’m saying it, it’s ‘no’.

Sometimes, this is when I’ve cooked something and offer him some. “no, —” insert some reason he thinks of quickly. ‘I just ate’, ‘I have to eat xyz’, ‘I’m good’, whatever. Until one day I mention he’s not eaten anything I made in 3 years. (factual) He was horrified. Not because he doesn’t eat anything I cook, but I think because I’d called him out on it.

The next day he comes up to me with some bread-like thing swimming in grease, and offers me some. I look at it and try not to gag. I say ‘no, thanks’. He says ‘you haven’t eaten anything I made in 3 years.’ My brain just froze. I should have laughed, because in the previous week, I’d eaten two dinner he made (spaghetti). Instead I just said ‘fuck you’.

There was another lie just recently. Oh, something about my computer. Once he’d finished telling me it wasn’t possible, and walked away, I did a google search to find not only was it possible, it was default included in my computers basic set up. Now, he could have just not known about this (even though he’s the one that bought my computer) but as it’s so close to the ‘no’ phase, I’m more inclined to believe it was just part of that.

I continue to wonder if he has a key logger on my computer. Found a dongle, once, that he was monitoring my computer with. I should have crushed it before returning it to him.

Emotional Abuse?

Bit of a back story. I was in hospital August 22 and January 23. Alternatively, my partner was in the hospital when I was home. So at any given point from August 22 to now, only one of us is home at any given time.

During my stays in hospital, he visited 2, maybe 3 times, but only when he had another reason to be there, say a medical test that needed to be done. I never visit him when he is in because I can’t leave the house. He is aware of this. He always has one or more brothers who stay with him. He is not alone, at all.

When I was home, I was alone. Previous posts document some of the stuff.

He is currently in the hospital due to kidney problems. Because he is in the hospital, his home help has been canceled. So, since he’s been in hospital, no cleaning has been done in the house. Yes, there is a brother here, but it’s not his job to clean (or take care of me) he’s here for my partner. I am literally sitting in trash, because I can’t take it out, the brother won’t and I have no other help at all.

I asked my partner to hire one of his ‘friends’ or one of the guys who used to help clean the house. He refused. He told me to call them, because it was ‘awkward’ for him to be the middle man. But it was okay for me to try to hire someone I wouldn’t recognize on the street. I begged him to call the guy. He still refused.

I got mad. On my last attempt to get help, he called, and I just said ‘I’m busy’ and hung up. I just couldn’t deal with it anymore.

Since then, I have tried 4 times to open communications. He has not responded to any of it. I even said ‘I’m sorry’ but that didn’t get a response, either. Just silence. That I believe is emotional abuse. So what do I do? Call the police, who go down to the hospital and they do what?

I’ve had a nurse come over every day to change my surgery’s wound with new packing. This alone is really stressful for me. Living in a filthy house is stressful. I am buying new clothes because I literally have nothing clean.

I just want to give up, it would be so much easier to give up. But something in me just keeps trying.

edit: a few minutes ago, he calls, and says ‘you’re not answering the phone’. I say ‘i don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize’. He says; he’s trying to call, answer it. and hung up. A couple of minutes later, guy calls. we make arrangements for a weekly visit for a reasonable cost. Thank goodness, i can now sleep in a room that isn’t overflowing in trash and doesn’t have a dirty floor. This alone will really help my health.

edit 2; just before the new cleaner showed up, I begged my BIL to help with the trash, which he did. The floor was still littered with detritus, but at least the bags were out. I am so thankful, he didn’t need to do this, but did. I can feel my lungs unknitting. It’ll be a while, maybe an hour, before they truly become relaxed, but it’s a great start.

Meltdown

I was in the hospital for about 10 days, had a small surgery, a massive infection, and home with an open wound. Of course, I have no help coping.

Once I got home, partner came down sick. He went by ambulance yesterday to A&E. He has not turned on his phone, so I can’t reach him.

Last time my partner was sick in hospital, his brother persuaded him to remove me from hospital contacts. If I call the hospital about him, they give no information. Not even if he is in hospital.

I know he went to the hospital. Other than that, I am in a news blackout. Even if I left the house and go there physically, 1) I can’t prove I’m his wife and 2) I am not on his approved list, so they can’t tell me anything, anyway.

A niece did message asking what was happening, none of his family could reach him. I explained my limitations. I am taking bets someone shows up to take care of things. I can only hope it’s 1 or 2 people, and not more – and very most specifically NOT BIL#1.

His taking me off his approved contact list was an unnecessary cruelty.

TMI – Welcome to the Civilized World.

4 days ago, I started falling over. Not dizzy, nothing seems to be wrong, I just crash to the left. Luckily, into walls.

3 days ago, I told my partner I was too sick to cook and was ordering delivery. He knows I was sick, cause I just told him so. I get what I thought was a lymph node swelling in the groin. Great, I think, two weeks of this shit before it gets better.

2 days ago, this rather large swelling doubled in size.

Yesterday it quadrupled in size. And that was just the bit I could feel (I couldn’t see it, it was literally at my undercarriage.) Then it swelled to the point it would be interfering with bodily functions within hours, at this rate of growth. I do admit I freaked out just a little bit.

Parnter then told me he doesn’t feel good and maybe should talk to the doctor. When I asked what was wrong, nothing really, but he’s having trouble with diarrhea. Remember, 2 days prior I had told him I didn’t feel well. And it’s always that way, he is the sick one, no one, no one, can be sick other than him.

Still yesterday, it was hard, painful, and if it had color I had no idea. It seemed to change shape, sometimes. Being thicker in one section, then moving to another. Then when sitting on the toilet, I notice that there was liquid movement IN my leg. Whatever this was, had expanded into my leg. It was hella lot bigger inside than outside.

Today, I tell partner what was going on. His response?

Silence. Then, oh, okay. Maybe you could come with me when I go see the doctor. (for diarrhea. He has no intestines, he always has diarrhea. He has medications for it.)

I’m thinking if this IS an infection, it’s probably infiltrated everything of both plumbing and a girly nature. And if this thing ruptures as localized infections are prone to do, I could end up with septicemia. And he wants me to wait the usual 10-12 working days to see a doctor. With him, cause he is number one priority and I’m the +1.

Well, it is an improvement. The last time, he comes up to me one year after my asking about heart attacks in women, and says; ‘I’m going to make tuna for lunchifyouthinkyouhadaheartattackyousouldtalktoadoctor, I’ll make them now. At the time of the discussion he said; a heart attack is a great way to die, boom it’s over.

The hospital service right now is so bad, it’s taking 12-16 hours for an ambulance to get to you (and ONLY if you’re dying, otherwise they tell you to crawl there) and a wait time of up to 30 hours in the waiting area. And with that information, you can probably guess what country I’m in, despite my attempts at keeping that private.

Even though I didn’t feel hot, I took my temperature. It was 100f/38c.

This thing hurts like hell, there is no comfortable position. It’s growing like The Blob, it could potentially rupture at any time, and there’s no way to get to medical attention. There’s just something in my monkey brain that is screaming at me, that a water balloon, filled with gross things, is floating around in my body, settling in my freaking leg. What, there’s no room at the intestines? The stomach, liver? The path of least resistance is my freaking leg?

Other odd things that may or may not be included, is when laying down, my throat closes off. Opening with a POP when I exhale. Headache. Runny nose. Productive coughing. Breathlessness. Trouble swallowing. Thirsty. Can’t walk straight. Leg getting difficult to use. I’m going to bet my white cell count is off the chart. That other bloodwork would show unusual markers. And the hospital is literally across the street. But if I do manage to get there, will I get help before the water balloon ruptures.

Welcome to the civilized world.

A Tsunami of Ow

This week? Oh yeah.

So, coming up to the death of my cat, the only loss, of all my family, I can still burst into tears at the thought.

My doctors office been closed for the holidays, so ran out my anxiety and painkiller meds. This is the second month it’s happened, where I have to stop taking them, because the doctor is creepingly slow in refilling them. This truly isn’t good for me, I’m having horrid anxiety attacks, where the skin on my back tries to crawl off me, and I can’t sit still or sleep.

It’s the ‘holidays’, where for the 22nd year in a row, I can’t be with what family I have left.

And now my best friend has stopped talking to me. Best friend? Only friend. I thought I’d made an error, saying something that might trigger her, I groveled and apologized but she assured me she was just busy and I hadn’t. And then, not another word. From exchanging several messages a day to zero – that feels like a ghost. Now, I realized weeks ago I was ‘using’ her too much, not so much as a crutch, but as a touchstone. I was balanced when we talked. I’d tried slowing down emails, I didn’t want to overwhelm her (I’ve done this before, and I learned to stop that.) but maybe I didn’t do it enough.

She could, indeed, be busy. She got something for Christmas that she’s been hush hush on, saying she’s setting it up and she’ll show me when she’s done. But not even just a ‘busy, back soon!’ kind of email. Just silence. And it hurts.

I don’t want to blame her because it’s likely something I did. I don’t keep friends. I think part of it is I’m a private person. Part of it is I’m very socially awkward. I don’t know how to keep friends. My daughter, I wouldn’t be surprised if she was still in touch with her kindergarten friends.

So, yeah, lots of pain this new year.

Invisable, again

Partner had been getting better in my treatment, as his brother’s influence started to fade. But today, sigh, it was a one, two, three punch in the space of an hour that has me tearing up.

Some repairmen comes in the house. Lots of banging. I had no idea someone was coming in – I wasn’t dressed to talk to him. So once he leaves, I go into the living room where partner is (and two other family members who stopped by to help with odds and ends). I ask what the guy is repairing, to find out it was the shower. The shower has been broken at least 5 years. It’s been ‘repaired’ 4 times and it never worked. We have a disability shower, dip in the floor, water gets sucked up and deposited in the system. I don’t take showers because anything more than 3 minutes of running water, floods the bathroom. I use the sink. I have asked many times for the shower to be repaired to be ignored. They didn’t bother to inform me it was getting repaired today. You don’t inform or ask for input of someone who is a ghost. Invisible.

A few minutes later, another bang at the door. I’m dressed now, and see the guy heading into the kitchen. I ask my partner, what else is getting fixed? He says, oh, that’s the grocery. I blink a couple of times and say: why didn’t you ask me if I wanted anything? He’s innocently looking at me: oh, I didn’t? I meant to. A couple of times. He thinks a second, there was nothing on the refrigerator list!

I don’t go in there as much as I can. We have a young couple living in the living room. I try to give them as much privacy as I can. There’s nothing new on the list because I don’t go in there. He honestly just should have asked. Just a courtesy. Invisible, disposable.

Then, just a couple of literal minutes after the groceries are delivered, the girl that’s helping us comes in the door. With a bag of groceries. She, too, didn’t ask me if I wanted anything. (she may not have been asked if she wanted anything, either, requiring a trip to the store.) But the young in the family learn quickly how I am treated. They see how my partner treats me and echoes it.

Her coming in with that bag brought me to tears.

I am ducking tired of being invisible.

I’m so mad at myself

It would have been somewhere around june ’21. Partner comes shuffling up to me, says; I might have covid, and coughs right into my face. I could feel the fine mist like spray cover my whole face.

I might have mentioned this in a previous post, but I just remembered it and wanted to make sure it’s posted.

I asked why he coughed in my face. He said, I just coughed, that’s all.

And the reason I’m so damn mad at myself, I didn’t call the police. I’d be reading about people getting arrested for doing that. I even had proof – his spittal was all over my face. 😦

Today he comes up and says; I don’t like eating, right now. Everything tastes burnt. It’s not burn’t, it just tastes that way.

I told him I was really surprised he didn’t come home from the hospital with covid, the hospital must be ramped with it. I also told him I’d read an article how people who had covid reported all food smelt burnt to them. Taste wasn’t mentioned, but I think smell and taste are interconnected.

If he decides to have a good cough in my face, I’m calling the police. Paper trail, woman, paper trail!

I happened to read a previous post by me and I mention how he was breathing heavily on my neck. If he thought he had covid, that would be counted as assault. It is at least intimidation. And coughing in my face, after saying he had it, absolutely makes it assault and maybe a murder attempt.

If I count them, it raises his murder attempts to 11, from 8.