I’ve stopped telling my partner how sick I feel. He knows I’m sick. He knows I’m tracking my fever. But I’m not telling him day by day what’s happening. A couple of reasons; one, he’s dismissive. Two, he always has to be ‘the sicko’. If anyone gets sick he has to outdo them and if the only way to do that is fake something, he’s up for it.
Here’s a conversation we had yesterday. (may not be word for word.)
Him: I was talking to my ICU friend doctor who just told me he had the virus. His whole family did. His wife. His son. His daughter. He had it worst.
Me: Who took care of the family if they all had it?
Him: *blank stare*
Me: The wife did, of course. Even sick, it would be ‘her job’ to take care of everyone.
Him: He had it worst.
Me: He said.
Him: He had it the worst.
Me: (realizing this would go no where) Could be.
Him: I’m the sickest here.
Me: what? (I’m seriously surprised. This conversation wasn’t about him. Or us.)
Him: I’m sicker.
Me: No, I am.
Him: I am.
Me: You’re more disabled, but I’m sicker.
Him: I am. (he’s getting angry)
Me: yeah, you’re the sickest. (realizing he’s dead serious and getting angry.)
Him: Thats right.
I’ve always known he’s felt he needed to be the sickest in the family, but this is the first time he was so up front about it.
Now, on the other side, I’ve been feeling sick for over two weeks. My doctors office isn’t answering their phone. The pharmacy has the phone disconnected. Coronavirus government pages are underwhelming in detail. Corona hotline doesn’t want to talk to me because I can get out of bed. (I finally, finally found a gov site that advises to call hotline if you’ve had symptoms for more than 7 days. YAY! I’m going to call them tomorrow.) My partner knows I’ve been struggling to find information.
He’s been talking to his ICU doctor friend two or three times a week for the past month. Not once has he told this guy ‘my wife is sick’. Not once has he told me ‘my friend says to …’. Not once. Why? I think he has to be the sickest. And bottom line; it’s about him. Him and only him. The only time he’s shown any empathy for me is when someone else can see.
Silent Scream 