Ever Changing Rules

When Covid19 first started taking off, COPD patients were told to self isolate, being listed as high risk. In two days, this dropped off their list of high risk. (totally fine with who was on there, they are high risk) But I felt like dropping the COPD folks kind of cold. Thrown to the wolves kind of thing.

My doctors office stopped answering the phone. Two weeks ago I find a link to make a phone consult with a doctor, I sign up. (You couldn’t request a time frame, it gave you a time, take it or go away. I took it, although it was very early in the morning. Basically, I got two hours sleep before I had to get up to take it. I’m a night owl, usually falling asleep around five AM.) She confirms I had covid19. I ask why I’d not got a letter from the medical system, advising me to stay at home, ect ect. She tells me, flat out, COPD is not high risk. Lists each type of person who is. She was nice about it, but I still felt like ‘fuck you and your pansy illness’ was the bottom line.

A couple of days ago I got an email from the doctors office, telling me I was in the high risk category. I now had a letter I could give to my employer, a sick note, as it were. (I’m disable, yo, and don’t work). Thing is, I didn’t know if she’d bumped me up the food chain and got me listed, or not.

Turned out, not. The gov’s lists of high risk has changed. COPD (asthma, ect) are now listed as high risk.

At least I know my doctors office doesn’t hate me enough to wish me dead. Yeah, yeah, of course they wouldn’t. But shit happens. One time they held my medications hostage until I came in for a blood test. So, yeah, they’re human too, and ‘mistakes’ happen.

edit: sorry this got a bit whiney. I’m feeling a bit touchy.

His Cross to Bear

This happened over ten years ago but I remembered it and wanted to jot it down.

I’m explaining to him how my mother had just been diagnosed with dementia and how I’d seen some of the signs a few years ago. He looks down for 1 or 2 seconds – looks up, and says: It’s my cross to bear.

I asked him how my mother’s dementia (in another continent) was his cross to bear.

He said: Daughters are like their mothers.

In the space of two seconds, the subject had moved from my mother having dementia, to my probably having dementia, to his needing to care for me, to it being his cross to bear.

I am a weight on his shoulders that must be suffered with fortitude and dignity, so everyone can see how amazing he is, caring for his, poor mentally unstable wife.

I recently told him (and someone else) if I did have dementia, I’d rather be taken care of at a home. (I don’t want to die of neglect.)

I Think He’s A Sociopath.

I’ve made a mistake.

Partner comes in, slumps down on the bed, hangs his head and claps his hands, and says sadly; I am a bad man.

I wanted to say; you aren’t a bad man. You are an evil man.

However, self preservation kicked in and I didn’t say that. I said nothing. And that was my mistake. I did, at least, look at him as if expecting him to say more on it. He peeked up at me, to see how I was reacting – and I realize now, to see if I was buying it.

I should have said: You are not a bad man. Then shut the hell up. That’s how he lies, or one of the ways, by not saying the whole truth.

So a couple of days later, we had that little comedy that I posted a couple of days ago, with his doctor friend. Next time, I’ll say what’s needed for self preservation. You aren’t a bad man, dear. Of course not. He’ll buy it, I think, because it’s what he wants or expects to hear.

I wondered – would it help if I told him I thought he was a sociopath? I did a bit of research on it (I am not a psychiatrist, but I wanted some kind of feed back on the question). Landed on a page with questions answered by sociopaths, and lets just say it was eye opening.

I came away with several thoughts on it, but here are a couple of them. 1) Deaf and blind people don’t consider themselves ‘broken’. They’re just different. Sociopath’s don’t think of themselves as broken, either. They use their ‘skills’ just like anyone else does. Those skills utilize their lack of emotions or guilt and a driving desire to achieve [insert anything]. 2) Every last one of them said if someone told them they were a sociopath (A. They know that, doh) they would consider said person of no use to them, and ‘fuck them up’. Every last one of them said that. Some went a bit further and said … well, paraphrase, they would ghost them or ghost them. (fade away or kill them). Now, even with the grandosius mindset of them all thinking they would ‘fuck you up’, it still boiled down to making your life a living hell.

So, people, if you think telling a sociopath that you are on to them is a good idea, DON’T. It’s not.

Hence my new goals of self preservation.

I spoke with a real doctor about my (maybe) coronavirus symptoms and she confirmed, Yes, I had coronavirus. Gave me some suggestions, reassured me that my fever lasting a month, where not normal, was a known symptom for some people. That’s all I needed to hear, really. Okay. I had it. I survived, didn’t need to go to hospital. Mental releaf. My partner went out of his way to fuck me up and for a few days it worked, until I was able to talk to a medical professional. When I told him what she said, his face was blank. Like that whole comedy a couple of days ago never happened. I got mad.

Then I got sad.

I got really sad. Started crying. I’m not a cryer. I’ve cried 3 times in the last 20 years. I feel broken if I cry. It takes a LOT to get me to cry. I cried on and off for 2 days. I don’t feel better. I feel fragile.

Letting you know

I can’t return your follow. I rarely look at messages. I don’t have time to read anything you post.

I can only type and update when my partner is sleeping. I am doing my best to keep this site a secret. This is my hole card. It is my testimony after I die. If needed. I have a Dead-Man’s switch, which will activate if I don’t continuously schedule it out later every month or so.

I have no account that (at this time) links here, but my switch will. I have no family or friends that know of this site. But will when my switch activates.

Thank you, those who watch this space. I realize you have no reason to believe a word I say. Thank you for not saying nasty things. Even saying nothing is okay with me. Someone saw it.

I am not silenced!

Afraid. Or Gaslighting?

This post might become a little jumbled. The last 24 hrs has been a bit of a ride. As my emotions and thoughts are all over the place this post might reflect that.

I was watching a youtube vid by a guy evaluating the Tiger King show. I’ve not watched Tiger King but I’m interested in body language, and he does body language. One of the things he says is; watch him. He says something, then turns to her as if asking ‘was that right? did I say it right?’. She is in control, he needs reassurance that he’s still in her good books. He’s afraid of her. (might be paraphrasing, but that’s the gist.) My jaw dropped. My partner does that all the time. Acting like he’s afraid of me. Sometimes when we’re alone but also in front of other people. “I have to walk around you like I’m on eggshells”, my partner says. “You just go off over nothing”. Am I doing that? I’ve been angry a few times, who doesn’t get angry? But as far as I know, I’ve never been angry over nothing. An example of my getting angry: He says something outrageous, let’s call it ‘a woman’s place is in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant’… not necessarily that, but that caliber of ‘outrageous’. I respond as you might expect. He says; ‘We’ll talk about it when you’re not hormonal’. (Which I read as: when you agree with me, you’re not hormonal). But now, I’m wondering, AM I abusive? DO I threaten him? I will, absolutely, defend myself. It’s a verbal thing, on both… hum. I was going to say, its a verbal thing on both our sides, but that’s not true anymore. He has started to get physical in his murder attempts. Am I becoming abusive?

Or is it a magnificent case of gaslighting? Convince me, and anyone else, I am the abusive one, he’s just a poor, innocent man dealing with a woman who goes off on nothing. And I guess, you have to define ‘nothing’. To him, saying something outrageous is nothing. He doesn’t mean it, he’s frequently just changed sides during an argument/debate. It’s not the subject, it’s about getting reactions.

Gaslighting is making you doubt your own reality. Am I abusive?

He says he’s afraid of me, and now I am absolutely afraid of him. Another thing that happened in this last 24 hours, but I’ll make a different post on it, as I think it might get long.

If I Cry, He Wins

Background; I’m sick with what I suspect as covid 19, classic presentation for the first week. But it seems to drag on and on. I mention to partner, all the times he’s talked to his doctor friends, he never tells them I’m sick. I tell him he’s been disregarding everything I’ve said from day one. He denies this even though he’s told me a few times, flat out, I don’t have it. I gave my partner a written list of all the symptoms I’d had over a week ago.

He gets a little snotty about it and I respond in kind. We decide we don’t know what ‘a fever’ is, the definition the medical community is going by.

He calls one of his doctor friends, who say; ‘In this country, ‘a fever’ is anything over 37c’ (meaning, anything over normal). This puts me in ‘sick’ country. He calls a different friend doctor.

So his friend returns the call and my partner walks in and says something to the effect of; you want to talk to him? He’s standing two feet away from me and shouts. I don’t remember the exact words but the effect I came away with was ‘you can talk to him but I already have and you’d be a dick if you do’.

I say, ‘did you tell him my symptoms?’

‘yes’

So I say, no need to talk to him, then.

He speaks with him another 20 mins or so, coming back with two questions. How long have I been smoking and how long have I had COPD. After the call, he comes back and asks if I want to know what he said.

Restraining all sarcastic remarks, I say yes.

His doctor friend says I don’t have it. If I did, I would have recovered by now or I’d be dead. He says it’s just a COPD attack. A little more long winded but that was the bottom line. I didn’t interrupt, roll my eyes, or do anything other than nod. I gave the impression I bought it all. But inside, I’m thinking this just doesn’t match up with other things I’ve seen or watched.

It bothers me enough to wonder what my partner had told him. So the next day, I ask what symptoms he’d told his friend I had. Now this is word for word;

“I told him you had a fever, breathlessness, headaches, runny nose, aches, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. And yes, I said ‘etcetera etcetera etcetera’, just like that.”

I said, ‘etcetera etcetera etcetera’? Honestly stunned. He said; Hey, I gave you the opportunity to talk to him yourself!

And I remember, only just then, how my partner lies. He lies with the exact truth. Then uses body language to indicate something else. But he’s on the phone, he can’t use body language to indicate they are all fake or lies. He had to do something verbally. Hence, the ‘etcetera’ business. In effect, he told his doctor friend I was faking. Just putting out symptoms and on and so on and etcetera, yadda yadda.

Of all the times he’s tried to kill me I’ve been amused. This time, I don’t feel amused. I wanted an independent, 3rd party honest opinion. He poisoned it. And implanted the idea with his friend that I’m…god knows what. A hypochondriac? Faking it? Looking for attention?

This time I feel hurt. I’ve had to stop myself from crying several times. I don’t think I’m sick enough to go to hospital. But I’m sick enough to want reasurance that I’m not imagining it, that it’ll be ok, and at what point to call for help. My partner doesn’t want me to go to the hospital either, he says because if you go, you’re likely to get it while in there. Now, that is a ligitament worry.

But the hospital is also where you go to get help. And if you need help and don’t go get help, you die. Which is okay with him, really. He knows if you’re meant to die, you will, and if you’re not meant to, you won’t. I’m fine with him believing that. I’m not fine with him pushing that onto me.

OR I am a hypochondriac.

Feeling Sick and A Little Scared

I’ve been having coronavirus 19 symptoms since March 14th. It’s become my new normal. Daily fever up to 100.6. Off and on: runny nose, aches, breathlessness, exhaustion. The aches are the worst. Muscle, bone and joint pain.

My partner doesn’t believe me, disregards my complaints (I’ve actually stopped telling him about them.) He’s a retired doctor and all his friends are doctors. He talks to them two or three times a week. He’s not told one of them I’m sick. He hasn’t told his family I’m sick. Because in his mind, I’m not. I’m faking, looking for attention, wanting him to take care of me.

He comes in and tells me one of his ICU doctor friends wrote a general note for ‘the group’ (old medical school mates that have a chat forum), giving advice on how to deal with the virus. Bed rest, isolation, someone makes sure they’re frequently turned and still breathing. I’m assuming this includes being given meals although it’s not mentioned. He gave me a vague impression he expected me to do this.

Now this actually sounds kind of nice. It would be amazing to be able to lay down, sleep, not have to worry about making meals. Except, from previous experience, I know he’d ‘forget’ to feed me. (been there, done that.) Even after making a point of asking me what I wanted to eat. Leave the room, get distracted. So, even though I’d love to just lay down, I don’t want to die of neglect. So isn’t going to happen.

The NHS was supposed to write to everyone who they deem vulnerable to the virus. With COPD and diabetes, I should have gotten a letter. But I’ve not. Either my partner has just forgotten to give it to me or they never wrote. OR my GP clinic, who really doesn’t like me as I’m not a good patent, has blocked it, somehow. It would be a massive dick move but I can see them ‘forgetting’ I’m vulnerable because, well, of our history. I have tried calling them, they are not answering the phone.

I haven’t called 111 because up until recently, I didn’t qualify by their rules to call them. I’ve only recently seen an update to call if you’ve had symptoms over 7 days. I’m thinking 25 days qualifies for that. And with that, I run against my other fear. If they want me in the hospital, I’m up against XX amount of people with the virus. Just hold me underwater and let me drown it would be a quicker, more humane death.

I’m actually becoming a little scared. I seem to be surviving the virus but it’s just taking so long to recover! And the fact everyone seems to be either ignoring me or looking through me. I am not sick. I do not exist. I am not worth the paper of a letter to let me know, ‘we are aware of your existence’.

I feel close to giving up.

19 Days & Counting

I’ve stopped telling my partner how sick I feel. He knows I’m sick. He knows I’m tracking my fever. But I’m not telling him day by day what’s happening. A couple of reasons; one, he’s dismissive. Two, he always has to be ‘the sicko’. If anyone gets sick he has to outdo them and if the only way to do that is fake something, he’s up for it.

Here’s a conversation we had yesterday. (may not be word for word.)

Him: I was talking to my ICU friend doctor who just told me he had the virus. His whole family did. His wife. His son. His daughter. He had it worst.

Me: Who took care of the family if they all had it?

Him: *blank stare*

Me: The wife did, of course. Even sick, it would be ‘her job’ to take care of everyone.

Him: He had it worst.

Me: He said.

Him: He had it the worst.

Me: (realizing this would go no where) Could be.

Him: I’m the sickest here.

Me: what? (I’m seriously surprised. This conversation wasn’t about him. Or us.)

Him: I’m sicker.

Me: No, I am.

Him: I am.

Me: You’re more disabled, but I’m sicker.

Him: I am. (he’s getting angry)

Me: yeah, you’re the sickest. (realizing he’s dead serious and getting angry.)

Him: Thats right.

I’ve always known he’s felt he needed to be the sickest in the family, but this is the first time he was so up front about it.

Now, on the other side, I’ve been feeling sick for over two weeks. My doctors office isn’t answering their phone. The pharmacy has the phone disconnected. Coronavirus government pages are underwhelming in detail. Corona hotline doesn’t want to talk to me because I can get out of bed. (I finally, finally found a gov site that advises to call hotline if you’ve had symptoms for more than 7 days. YAY! I’m going to call them tomorrow.) My partner knows I’ve been struggling to find information.

He’s been talking to his ICU doctor friend two or three times a week for the past month. Not once has he told this guy ‘my wife is sick’. Not once has he told me ‘my friend says to …’. Not once. Why? I think he has to be the sickest. And bottom line; it’s about him. Him and only him. The only time he’s shown any empathy for me is when someone else can see.

Murder by pandemic proxy. Maybe.

This is a Gordian knot of a problem. I believe I’ve had corvid 19, my partner dismissed it as nothing. One of my symptoms was muscle, bone and joint pain. Yesterday he comes in and says he fell and hurt his hip. There’s been plenty of times where he’s said he thinks he’s broken a bone and I suggest he go get it checked. He’s refused as ‘there’s nothing they can do’. So, okay. This time I pretty much ignored it. The next time I see him, he’s creeping along. Super slowly. It was so played up I thought it was fake. Still do, mostly. I hurt, he says.

Then he lays on my bed (we sleep in separate rooms. we both snore. He’s deaf. I’m not.), puts his head on my pillow, and coughs. A couple of days ago, he’s breathing hard. Right behind me. I can feel my hair moving. I can feel moisture building on my neck. I ask him not to breath on me. He says; that’s just how I’m breathing. I didn’t ask him to stop breathing. I asked him to stop breathing on me. He didn’t.

He’s never said he feels like he has a fever. He takes zero precautions, that I know of. He’s invited two people in the house after lock down/isolation.

A while ago, I’m at the fridge, digging out a snack. He comes up behind me, puts his arm around my waist, pulls me up against him, and talks into my face. I asked him to back up, mentioning social distancing. He did, but slowly, laughing into my face.*

Now, I don’t know if he’s sick – he’s displaying the symptoms I had. Cough, breathless, aches. I also had fever and runny nose, which he’s not mentioned.

I never got tested (I’m not famous, a politician, sports figure or actor. Even though I have COPD I don’t rate getting a test). So we don’t know for sure if I got it. And the jury is still out on if you can catch it again. But damn if its not like he’s trying to give it to me.

Oh, and btw, I’m still sick. I went 6 days being ill. Two days without fever, then it started all over again. From what I see, you have to go 3 days without fever before you’re considered recovered. I still get low grade fevers, fatigue, runny nose. Is it the same bout or… a second wave?

*I no longer feel safe or comforted by hugs. Especially hugs that pin me against something (like an open fridge) I feel… captured? Confined? Trapped. A few weeks ago, I got a hug by a woman. I didn’t feel trapped. But it was a one armed hug, on the side. I had an escape route. So, maybe there will be hope that someday, I will enjoy hugs again.

I had (mild) coronavirus 19

At least, I think I did. Not being a politician, sports figure, actor or rich, and living in a country that doesn’t (yet) give out tests ‘just to see’, I had to go by a site I’d found with listed ALL the possible symptoms, not just fever and cough. I can’t find it now, but https://www.telegraph.co.uk/global-health/science-and-disease/coronavirus-symptoms-what-mild-fever-dry-cough-covid-19/ gives the same information.

I am considered high risk as I have COPD.

So, yeah. Fever (never going over 99.9f/37.5c) runny nose (rare!) cough (more than usual) breathless, fatigue, aches (rare! but the worst symptom for me, holy hell, it hurt) headache spikes. I treated each symptom separately – so, parasetamol for the fever, antihistamine for the runny nose, ect.

I had gone to the hospital about 10 days before the symptoms, really before the virus ‘hit’ my country, it was kinda on my radar, but I didn’t worry about it. I think at this point, we were told 3 people had it, but none in my area. Yeah, I think I got it then, cause that’s the ONLY time I was out of my house.

I told my partner I thought I had it and he was very dismissive. At this point, he was still going out a lot. Places with lots of people. Hospital appointments, church, store. He always made jokes about staying 6 feet away from people, washing his hands.

Even though I told him when I was sick he never told me. Except one day I heard him struggling to breathe. (If it was real and he wasn’t just messing with me.) While making deep, gaspy breaths, he comes up behind me and starts breathing heavily on the back of my neck.

I tell him; ‘don’t breathe on me’

he says; ‘it’s just the way i’m breathing!’

I could feel moisture building up on my skin. My hair was fluttering. I didn’t ask him to stop breathing. I asked him to stop breathing on me. He didn’t. He left once he felt the job was done. Looking back now, I consider it a physical attack. If I get the bad version of this illness, the odds of it killing me are high. Like when people with aids were spitting on people. He knew this. He knew to stay 6 feet away. He knew how the virus spread.

So I was sick for about 6 days. Felt better for 3 days. Then it starts up again. Now, I don’t know if the virus works like that – laying low for a few days before coming back, gang busters. I had heard of one person in China, a bus driver, who had it, recovered, went back to work, and caught it again. But I’d only heard it once and don’t know if it was true. I have not heard definitely if you can catch it twice. I’d think you can – you can catch any flu more than once.

So here I am again. Fevers (hit 100f/38c this time), cough/breathless, runny nose, sore throat, fatigue. But I didn’t get the aches this time. Today is day 6 of the second round. It’s not going away.

Yesterday the practitioner I’d seen back at the hospital called, just to check up on me. Partner hovered nearby, listening in. I told her everything that had been going on. She checked with a doctor, who advised calling my doc and getting antibiotics. Now, I’d not taken them before, because antibiotics are worthless against viruses. But I got to thinking, a temp of 100f means I am fighting something. So I started an antibiotic course from my rescue pack. I’ll probably call my doctors office on monday, when they’re open.

After listening in to the call, partner finally starts to treat it seriously. Or perhaps, thinking ‘yay, it worked!’ lol. He asked if I wanted something to eat, the first time since I got sick, he asked. (I’ve been eating maybe once every couple of days, cause I’m just too tired to stand there, cooking. Lots of snacks, not much food.)

One other, last thing about my partners attitude. He strongly believes if you’re meant to die, you’re going to. He survived something that totally would have killed anyone. He wasn’t meant to die. So, hey, go ahead, get sick, what will be, will be. Not just him – not just me – but everyone. He was totally okay with going out, cross contaminating every person he met. Thankfully, lockdown has stopped that stupid behavior.

I realize this got long and doubtful too many got this far. Thank you for reading.